It has now been more than half of my life since I was called into the ministry. At the time, I had no idea where it would take me. More than a third of my life has now been spent in full-time ministry. This past week of camp (my 29th since accepting the call) was a clear reminder that I am doing what God created me for. I feel like the ability to make people laugh is the greatest gift and pleasure which God has given me. Laughter melts even the hardest heart of stone. Laughter brings relief to the afflicted and comfort to the oppressed. Laughter does not bring salvation, but it opens the doors of the hearts of people who would not do so otherwise. I sit here alone in my house as my family is hours away visiting grandparents. I often wonder about how much longer I can hold my current career as youth pastor and be the husband and father I want to be. It grows harder and harder to be away from my wife and children with each passing year. I pray daily and put my trust in the Lord that the price He has called me to pay in ministry will not come at too much of a cost to my family. I feel that I have sacrificed a lot over the years, in the name of Christ, that He never called me to. It was immaturity and eagerness on my part, but it is easy to call any church thing, however unnessecary, an essential part of full-time ministry. I have seen too many friends pay a high price in ministry by giving their time and energy to more than God commanded or called. All of this is different with each couple and family. We are not machines built on an assembly line built to endure and tolerate the same things. We must always be aware of the price we are asking our families’ to pay. There is such a fine line as to what is too high and how much is too much. Add to it the fact that we rarely talk around our kitchen tables and in our bedrooms about these matters and the problem only deepens and remains unresolved. How do you balance the sense that, while at a youth camp, you are doing and being everything God has intended while you are away from your family? How do you reconcile that? How do you repay the days and weeks away? I know that in the 4 weeks I am apart from my family my son’s vocabulary will grow, my daughter’s will learn new things, and my wife will have bared the burden without me. How do I insure to my God, my wife, my children, and myself that the church, the ministry, and camp have not become a mistress in any way, shape, or form? I am replaceable as camp counselor, youth pastor, and camp jester, but not as a husband and father. Maybe it’s coming to that realization that is the key. Knowing that where my heart is there my treasure will be also. I’m not one of those people who dreds youth camp or whatever. Give me a mic and a crowd. Give me a camp game. Give me the chance to come up with something off the top of my head. That’s just how I’m wired. I feed off it. I feel so alive in Christ when given these opportunities. It’s also in those private conversations. Those one on one times with kids who are hurting and looking for answers. No mic needed there, but that’s still who I’m created to be. I have never loved doing what I do and being who I am more than right this minute. I have never loved my wife, children, and family more than I do right now. No lights, no crowd, no music. Just one Father doting on another so he doesn’t feel alone, but alive. It’s a good life.
Archives for June 2009
A Weird Week and the Road Ahead
Sorry for the posting delay. Monday was quite a strange day for me. My description of the day is only to tell you how some events affected me and hopefully, what happened to me won’t happen to anyone else. I won’t be using names of the people involved because my goal isn’t to bring attention to the people and places, but to their affect on me. I don’t know any of the people involved, but pray for them daily. So, here is the timeline.
1. Found out before lunch on Monday(through his blog) that a pastor I follow(twitter, blog, etc.) had resigned his church because of an affair with someone he works with.
2. This weighed heavily on me throughout the day as my wife, Drake, and I ran errands in preparation of the summer.
3. Monday night, my goal was to get in bed by 8 pm as I was wore slap out. However, at 8, I got on the internet to search for more information on the pastor’s situation.
4. This search led me to a blog whose soul purpose is to rebuke and ridicule certain churches in the south(BIG churches) and their pastors. I love and respect all these churches. The blog made me think,”who has time to critique every word these pastor’s preach, blog, facebook, and twitter?” The blog was mean spirited without being venomous(if that makes any sense), and to my knowledge, the author was not anonymous. By this time, it was 8:30 pm.
5. This search led to more blogs and more criticisms of these leaders I respect. It was disheartening. Not that I lost trust in these people, but that people took the time to tear them down. It was like a wild goose chase.
6. Found a blog from a young lady which she began as therapy for abuse she received from a pastor. Through her blog, she wrote a letter addressed to him which told the story of the inappropriate comments he had made. When the story about the pastor mentioned in #1 broke, she came out and said he had been the one who had made the comments which were sexual in nature. It was great how her blog showed her progression and how the Lord had helped her. I know personally 3 pastors who have committed(or been accused of) sexual crimes. A third committed adultery and left his wife and kids. This came after multiple instances of abuse on his part at previous ministry stops. Some were known and some were not. In every single one of these cases, there were “red flags” that people saw, but didn’t report. Even in the instances where it was reported or confronted, little was done on the part of the individual to address the behavior and more victims were claimed. I personally helped a friend confront one of these pastors, and while he confessed some misdeeds to his family, his behavior did not change and it ruined his ministry and tore his family apart. At this point, it was 9:45 and I wondered why we are quick to note “red flags” after it’s too late, but not when it would actually help anyone. God help us all.
7. All of this led me to a 9 minute video in a sermon of a pastor bashing one of the above churches for it’s ministry and worship practices. While trying to find out more about this pastor, I found out he had recently been in the news for being tasered and beaten at a border checkpoint(which wasn’t anywhere near a border). I watched a few of the news reports and checked his church website.
At this point, it is 10:17 pm. My wife had asked when I was coming to bed, and my intention was to have already been in there. I realized I had just wasted 2 hours of my life. While I gained lots of information, I don’t feel it was helpful or uplifting to me. It was depressing information of churches and pastor’s tearing others down and lives and ministry’s destroyed. While reading about all of this, I neglected my marriage. Rather ironic, that while reading up on these subjects in the hopes of protecting my marriage I actually hurt it. I made a commitment to my wife that I would go to bed whenever she did from now on. I will stop reading, stop net surfing, turn the tv off, and do whatever it takes so she doesn’t fall asleep alone anymore. I’m also going to put my phone on vibrate when I get home and only return/reply to calls and txts that need immediate attention. I must do whatever necessary to mentally and emotionally engage with my family rather than being so distracted all the time. My time with them is precious especailly considering that we will be apart for the next few weeks while I attend youth camps and Karen and the kids visit family. We must all reexamine our lives. We must all recognize and address what distracts us from those who should be most important to us. God bless you all. God be with all those hurt in these various situations. God help his church reflect and build his kingdom.
Some Funny Vids for your viewing pleasure
How you enjoy these as much as I did.
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Here’s a blast from the past. No stunt double was used. I hear that CU News is back on the air.
Thoughts on a Variety of Topics
1. I wonder how a pro-life supporter can kill someone(in a church)in cold blood because that person is pro-choice.
2. I wonder how many pastors(youth pastors especially) we will see get “let go”, “fired”, “inner circle word for getting fired(copyright, Heath Mullikin 2008)” before the Wesleyan denomination steps in and adds some real job protections to the Discipline. How about when the youth pastor signs a yearly housing lease(because he’s asked to by the board) and shortly after is let go with a pricey out clause? In the corporate world, that’s a lawsuit waiting to happen. On the flip side, if the pastor jets in an untimely and unclassey way then he should be penalized like a college basketball coach. At some point, a DS should step in and say, “nope, you ain’t gonna do that to these good people. You’re taking a year off.”
3. I wonder if the John Wesley movie is going to be as bad as I think it is. I wonder if the 5’4″ Wesley appreciates being portrayed by a guy big enough to be an NFL TE(that’s Tight End for all you non-fantasy football players). I wonder if, as Wesleyans, we are obligated to promote a substandard product which may do more harm than good. Of course, the film may be great and I will see it regardless. I thought “Amazing Grace” was great. I just don’t see Mr. Calvin getting this kind of theatrical treatment. When I see the movie(can’t find the release date on www.comingsoon.net which isn’t a good sign) I will give it a fair review and probably take a bunch of people to see it with me. We may even rent out the whole theater. I’m sure Jam can get us a deal at Cinemark in Asheboro.
4. I wonder if TLC is “The Learning Channel” then what are they teaching us with season 5 of Jon and Kate(episode 2 is on as I type). Why would the couple or the network sign on for 40 episodes in the midst of the beginnings of the current scandal(oh wait, I just dropped a dollar, now where was I)? This season is going to be like Nascar-everyone is watching for the wrecks.
5. I wonder how I game I am so terrible at(golf) brings me so much joy? I will break 100 before year’s end. Just gotta get my arm fixed first. Is there such a thing as golfer’s elbow/forearm or that just called old man syndrome?
6. I wonder why I made my wife wait while I finished typing this. I’m an idiot.